Unlike Unbreakable, where I went from a first time watch that was good to absolutely transcendental, I already knew Donnie Darko was this absolute banger of a flick. Just so good. It was probably the first movie I ever fell in love with, completely stricken to my core. Everything about the film and everything it spoke to felt like it was ripped straight outta my brain and onto the screen. It’s comedy, it’s tragedy, it’s confusion and mystery; all of it felt like I wasn’t just watching the film, nor was the film saying something I merely believed, but that the film itself has somehow poured out of my own soul, too. It’s a surreal experience to watch something that feels like you made it but you absolutely know under no circumstances, nor any multiversal opportunity, could you have ever made a movie this immaculate. And with the Director’s Cut floating around, it’s clear even Richard Kelly may be the same: it poured forth from himself but he isn’t sure he remembers when, where, or how.
Am I being overly pretentious? Yeah, I think so. And I think I’m afforded, like, one review out of 1,000+ across Letterboxd and MyAnimeList to be pretentious, obnoxious, and overly sentimental. That’s just what Donnie Darko draws out of me. It’s this piece of me that showcases positives and negatives. I see myself in the loneliness, but also the guilt of feeling like you should be able to appreciate the blessings in your life. I see myself in the pride, the motivation to declare things I think because I feel so passionate about them. I make a fool of myself in public and I don’t seem to care in the moment, but then I lay still in bed wondering what’s wrong with me. Was I born this way or am I making my own decisions, and which option is worse? Is there a better option? Do I have hope to find it? Would I even want it if I had it in my hand? Or, maybe it slips through the fingers. I don’t know.
It’s a mysterious movie, ambitious in its mashup but accessible in it’s drama. Everyone knows what it’s like to be senseless and uncared for, or to strive for change against incredible adversity. Every day our world comes to an end, and we’re left wondering why we were permitted to experience this, that, or anything else that upsets or disturbs. And we can become so anxious over it that we do nothing at all. But even our own bodies won’t let that happen. During our waking hours we meditate on sex – with or without Smurfs – and during our sleeping hours our bodies sleepwalk to golf courses and mountain tops. I didn’t choose to be here, and I cannot refuse to participate: something is demanded of me.
It had been years since I’d watched Donnie Darko, and the level of spirituality in the film had completely vanished from my mind. Purpose, destiny, choice; so much is at the crux of a film amidst Sparkle Motion dance routines and motivational VHS tapes (feat. nondescript horse neighing). If all is predestined, made with a purpose, what does all of this say about who we are? And is it even worth it to live a life I have no control over?
We are made in God’s Image. We’re permitted the insight into God’s design when He says, “Let Us make mankind in Our likeness” (Genesis 1:26). If God has choice, then so do we. But, like Christ, who is God Himself, He too lays down his will to the Father, while also laying down His life upon His own decision: “The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.” (John 10:17-18). Christ, the prime example of our lives, showcases a supposed contradictory; it is His choice to die for those He loves (defeating death and coming back to life by His own choice) while also following the command of His Father. His will and the Lord’s will are in tandem.
Man, then, has a strange place in this world. We, too, have a will and an ability to make our own choices, yet an appropriate view of God’s sovereignty confuses even the brightest of theologians: if God is sovereign over all decisions, choices, thoughts, feelings, and life styles, then what responsibility does man have? Donnie Darko is not concerned with morality, as much as it is concerned with relationship and social improvement. If it takes a village to raise a child, then what priorities does a village have to ensure such a child grows safely, freely, and beautifully beside their fellow man? And what of those for whom it feels were born to strain the social fabric of an institution, culture, or locale: the vile, the evil, the mentally unwell, the jealous, the violent, the lonely?
Romans 8:22-25 NIV
“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.“
There is a hope that I have that someday the evils I have committed will be cleansed from my sorry soul, a hope that one lived, died, and lived again to take the punishment I so rightfully have earned. I do not see this hope, and I have not even seen this hope take place: I live a life so far after the life of Jesus Christ, and I live a life now that often feels His return will not come for ages (though, any moment could be now, even before I finish writing, or perhaps before you finish reading). But I strive to move and believe in this hope that a pathetic life of evil, one that I know I have lived, will be made clean. My hope is not in living a lonely life and dying a lonely death, but in the belief that I will enter a deep sleep only to be awoken by a God who had my life in mind when he sacrificed Himself. Who had my worst sin in His gentle hand, and took it with Him upon that cross.
My life has purpose and my life has meaning, and my endurance to live a life I did not ask for – and a life I often despise – is a battle to showcase a hope that I have in what God is doing, even a hope that often is merely a pilot light amidst a snowstorm. Even if that hope is denied by others, whether overtly in their words or implicitly in their actions, I pray God preserves this hope within me; predestined for hope.
I love Donnie Darko, and I’ve loved it since I was a teen. People say they never forget their first love, but who’s to say if that’s true? Even so, I can say that my first film love was Donnie Darko. The sadness, the catharsis, the love, the loneliness, the relationships, the levity, the mystery; I feel like I’ve lived a full life when I watch Donnie Darko. It’s a film that means so much to me, and I’m so happy I revisited it after all these years. It’s a film that keeps coming back to me, making a mark at different stages of my life: As an angsty, horny, self-righteous teen; as a pathetic, isolated, vile and prideful young adult; and a currently depressed, stupendously anxious, often embittered man. In each stage I’ve always feared my world was about to end, but I’m not so sure that matters anymore. Whether I feel lonely or hated or ugly or ashamed – I have a hope that someday, sometime, in some moment, I will have so much to look forward to.
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Melvin Benson is the Founder, Editor-In-Chief, and Lead Host of Cinematic Doctrine. Whether it’s a movie, show, game, comic, or novel, it doesn’t matter. As long as it’s rich, he’s ready and willing to give it a try! His hope is to see King Jesus glorified as far as the east is from the west!
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